I have been in management since I was 18. Ill never forget telling the owner of Kenyon’s Variety that I could manage their store. I was going to college at the time and working two full time jobs and I just knew that I could take care of everything. I always just think I can take care of everything. “What an Attitude”! I had so much spunk and determination; I was on fire.
I think that job lasted about three years when I got my first adult job doing accounts receivable for a local car dealership and this job didn’t last more than two years as I decided at that time to start my family. The idea of staying home being a full time Mom was so enchanting at first. Taking care of our first born was such a pleasure for me and he was the joy of my life. I learned quickly that baby’s take money and my husband was a blue collar worker who was very controlling and had the idea that He was the provider(he thought we could live without buying things) and this became a huge reason why I needed to ‘take care of things’. I put an ad in the local newspaper to offer services as a babysitter. I will say that I had a personal mindset that said that I could save more money than it took to make money and that is exactly how we lived for many years. I loved babysitting and I loved being a Mom.
We continued to have children and things did not get easier. Having two children and finding out that my husband was falling in love with another woman was when I decided that I needed to wake up! I also found out at this time that I was pregnant with our third son(we have six grown children today). I truthfully believe that at this point my eyes were opened to the world and I no longer was able to model my goals after my grandparents. I had to wake up from my dream life. I wanted my family to survive. I told my husband that I forgave him and even when I was seven months pregnant and he came home wearing a belt buckle that this woman had given him, I still made things work and blinded myself to the pain of allowing this in my life. I wanted things to be good so badly that I buried myself and thought of the big picture and how the future might look if I had ended my marriage. I’m not sure how long this relationship had gone on between my husband and this woman and all I could think about was how could I have let myself get into this position. I was in such a weak place. Vowing to never be in this weak position again and making an oath to myself to forgive this once but to never forget was the beginning of how I overcame this tragedy.
Becoming a victim is a horrible and unforgivable action that you should never permit yourself to be. A victim has injury and lives with pain every single day of their life. A victim will smile and laugh and make others smile and laugh while they have parts of themselves that can’t go on. Inside my head I held many tears and had a secret mistrust of my Husband and even a the same mistrust for my Father. Mistrust and victimhood go hand in hand and yet we moved on in life.
Deciding to overcome any tragedy takes courage. Running to God and to Church was how I thought I would be able to mold my life and take control. Praying and fasting and taking action. I made goals and took control to take away temptation from my husband. We would become full time dairy farmers. Of course this was my husbands dream(he actually didn’t fully know that this was his dream at the time) but I made him believe we could do this and he was a hard worker and loved cows. We had a small farm at the time and this gave him goals and those goals I hoped would make him love me and focus on our family. Our whole family bought into the lifestyle. I even bought into my own fantasy.
The best part of this is that I know that I am good. There are days that I look back and think that things were ruined, but things today are good. God did not protect me from this. I did not protect myself from being a victim. No one could protect me. I personally had to be fine with this and rise above. It has taken close to 30 years to rise above and even writing this today can be a bit heartbreaking to me, however I can definitely say that I am not a victim anymore. I am Good!
Please come back to learn how our lives have grown healthy and how we became First Generation Dairy Farmers.